Why Get Married?
There are various prima facie reasons not to get married. But what (secular) reasons are there in favour of getting married?
One obvious (cynical) reason is that in many countries it confers various legal advantages, ranging from tax breaks to inheritance entitlement. This does give some reason to get married, but it doesn't really seem to capture the spirit of the thing. I certainly wouldn't want to explain to my partner's family that the main reason I got married was to have a guarantee of material goods should their daughter pass away.
Another reason would be because you wanted the lovely ceremony. But weddings are expensive, and commit you to expenditure on various things (e.g. the priest) that you probably don't actually want if you're only there for fun. If you merely wanted a party, I think you could spend your money more efficiently than on marriage.
A better suggestion: it's symbolic of your great love for one another. But again, there are alternative means to this end, and I can't see any obvious reason to think that marriage is the most efficient means. Why not do something more personal, and more unique to your personal relationship? That might better symbolise your particular relationship.
Here's another reason. It forestalls imprudence. You might know in your calmer moods that you want to be with your partner for the rest of your life, but in darker periods your commitment might lapse in various ways. You might therefore want to constrain yourself by getting married, thereby securing your relationship from momentary future lapses of judgement. This might hold true for some people (though, again, not a reason I'd like to explain to either my partner or her parents), though not for all. Some people don't find that their judgement lapses in this particular fashion. For those people, there is no need to get married to forestall imprudence.
Are there any other more compelling reasons?
Ahhh, the questions of
Ahhh, the questions of youth! One gets married because a future not being married to one's beloved is impossible to imagine, because one simply has to get married, because one wants the whole world to know that one is absolutely, unconditionally committed to being with this wonderful person for ever and ever.
The more interesting question is: why stay married?
"one wants the whole world
"one wants the whole world to know that one is absolutely, unconditionally committed to being with this wonderful person for ever and ever."
Absolutely. For me, it's about the idea of affirming your relationship and the fact that it is to be a permanent relationship to your family and friends. Any individual relationship is coloured by those it connects with - the affirmation that you will spend the rest of your life with someone makes the commitment a social and respected bind.
Good to see you back! :)
We're exploring this very question...
So I googled "Why get married?" and found your blog. My partner and I got "engaged" about a year ago because we wanted to be taken more seriously than boyfriend and girlfriend. We have been discussing whether or not to actually be married. Even our attorney told us that unless we were seriously considering children (which we aren't), don't do it. It basically just allows us to be on each other's insurance and taxes. We have been getting wills, medical powers of attorney, and the like drawn up to cover the other things given with marriage.
As a feminist and graduate student in the field of domestic violence, it is also very salient to me that marriage was historically created from the concept of property. The woman belonged to the man, and the marriage license served no more than to be a receipt of ownership. Laws such as the "rule of thumb" allowed men to beat, prostitute, and slave out their wives with no recourse. We don't want to have anything to do with such an institution.
Yet, here I am on your blog, searching for answers. Both he and I fluctuate in our desires or lack of desire to be married. There is something compelling and social about the promise of being together forever. But with both our sets of parents putting us through horrible divorces in childhood, we constantly ask ourselves, why on earth would we want to invest in an institution that meant so little to our own parents?
So we go back to the idea that all of the things we want out of marriage- committment, decision power, rights to property if we were to die - can almost all be accomplished legally without a marriage license. We think we'll have some sort of ceremony on our own, but have to be very cautious of laws in Colorado that dictate "common law marriage" where we don't have to do anything but say we're married verbally and a court will recognize it.
The other issue is that we're actually afraid that being married will change us for the worse. So many people we know got married so they could live happily ever after. We like to think we'll do so whether we're married or not. Then there are the roles and titles of husband and wife. Will we fall into a role that we don't have now?
All such deeply philosophical questions. Thank you for posting your comments and allowing me to post mine.
Elise - if you have
Elise - if you have discussed it with your attorney, don't get married. If you have 'googled' the question, don't get married. If your partner fluctuates in his desire to marry you, don't get married. If the historical aspects of the institution are of any relevance to you whatsoever, don't get married. As I wrote above, if a future not being married to your partner is readily imaginable, don't get married.